What does coming out mean?
Coming out is the process of personally accepting your sexuality and disclosing it to yourself, family, co-workers and friends. Coming out is different for every gay or bisexual person since there are varying degrees of sexuality and the circumstances that surround our lifestyles differ. For more information regarding the levels (see Kinsey Scale).
Coming out is a confusing time for many people. Accepting your sexuality (or coming out to yourself) can bring about a number of fears. Will your family or friends stop loving you? Will you ever get married or have children? Will you be discriminated against or made fun of? These are all valid concerns mainly rooted in the fear of the unknown; which is way many reference coming out as being reborn. This is an opportunity for you to look introspectively and re-evaluate who you are and who you want to be.
Create a personal inventory when coming out.
Sure some gay people experience rejection when they come out, but many also find a loving and accepting support system to a fulfilling gay lifestyle. Even so, happiness starts from within. Getting to know yourself is key part of the process.
Though being gay doesn't define you, it is a new part of your life. You can still be the same person you've always been, but take some "me" time to evaluate your transition. You don't have to become a complete hermit, but concentrate on your own well being and feelings. This will make you stronger, more confident and sure of yourself. Learn as much as you can about yourself and what YOU want your gay lifestyle to be.
Take personal inventory of your life. Write down any anger, resentment, fears and guilt that you may have about your existing life. Don't forget the positive characteristics that also make you who you are today. Once you've done that, list your life goals, priorities and the things that make you happy (getting married, having children, being single, enjoying nature, art, dancing, etc.) What you are identifying is what kind of gay person you want to be.
This seems like a silly exercise at first, but will be beneficial in the long run. Forgive yourself for any anger, resentment and guilt you may have for yourself and others and concentrate on your positive qualities. Create a new life for yourself by shaping it around your new life goals. Even as a gay person these things are possible.
Know That You Are NOT Alone!
It doesn't matter if you live in a small town or large metropolitan city, nothing can be more isolating than first coming out. You can be surrounded by familiar people and still feel you are the only one that is "different." We have all felt these feeling when first coming out and there are millions more just like you that are currently feeling the same. There are many resources such as gay community centers and gay online communities, where you can find others dealing with similar issues.
Deal With Stereotypes, Discrimination and Hate Against Gays.
Many gay men don't fit into existing stereotypes associated with queer people, but feel the pressure to do so by society or even other gay people. Rest assured, the gay community is just as diverse as any other community and each gay man is an individual.
Unfortunately, this doesn't always prevent things like name calling. You may be thinking whoever coined the term "words will never hurt me" obviously was never called a queer in a crowded room, but you do have an opportunity to take control; of the situation. Maybe not by force or that cute one liner, but by protecting your self esteem and your safety. Tune out others who may be around. Any person worth your friendship will see the haters for what they are....cowards. Even amongst laughs try not to feed into he stereotypes (learn about internalized homophobia). Be proud of the person you are and know that your offender's comments or actions are based on their lack of understanding and fear, not your deficiency. Stand tall or flee the scene, just make safety (and not your pride) your top priority. Sometimes the bravest of the battle is the one who can walk away from the ignorance. Seek solace in those around you that do accept you and always try and prevent a gay bashing.
Tell Family and Friends When You are Ready
Every day or bisexual man considers hoe their family and friends will react to the news that they are gay. will your family reject you? Will your friends suddenly feel uncomfortable. Will you lose good friends or family members? These are valid questions that we must consider and unfortunately, there is no way to predict how your loved ones will react to you sexuality. The most important thing to consider is your own health and well being.
Come out to family and friends at a pace that YOU are comfortable with. There is no set timeline or proper order of disclosure and each person's situation is different. Nonetheless, the one common thread amongst men is the liberation they feel once they no longer have to hide their feelings. Keeping your sexuality buried can be devastating to your stability in the long run.
Surround yourself with as many positive influences, just in case your folks don't take the neews so well. Try and educate your family about your lifestyle and find a support program at the local gay community center.
Don't give up on marriage and children.
many of us grow up with dreams of a happy committed relationship and a house full of children, Contrary to popular belief, being gay does not condemn you to a life alone without kids. Gay marriage, civil unions or domestic partnerships is afforded to gays in many countries. Though legal protection is best, many gay men around the world have families that include stable and longterm relationships and natural-born or adopted children.
Learn more about the many places where gay marriage is legal and how to become a gay parent.
Learn about gay love, relationships and sex.
Gay men share unique experiences when it comes to gay love, relationships and sex. Without societal "norms" for gay people, some can feel isolated or confused when it comes to matters of the heart. Here are a few resources to help guide you towards healthy gay love and relationships.
Don't be afraid to ask for help.
Coming out is an experience shared by many gay, bisexual, lesbian and transgender people. You are not alone and there is help available.
There are many resources available for you and your family and friends. Browse the Gay Life site or the discussion forum for advice and information. If you still don't find the answers to your questions, feel free to contact your Gay Life guide with any concerns or just to say hello. Happy coming out and congratulations on this major life step.
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